Ponderings about Adoption

Yesterday when I was wandering around the (very tiny, uninteresting) Biggs Park Mall in Lumberton, I penned these words about my feelings about the adoption process.

My heart quickened today,
As I walked through the local mall.
The children's clothes called to me,
"Touch me and dream," they said
And I did. . .
"Soon" I whispered to the brown eyelet dress,
Not really knowing if it will be
But hoping nonetheless,yet
Thinking of all there is to do:
Applications, adoption interviews,
Home improvements, cleaning,
Paperwork and waiting,
Most of all the waiting
Already feeling so many emotions:

Anger at having to go through all this
To give a child a home
(Who's there to ensure the homeless person's home
Is suitable for children?)
(Who checks to make sure the teenager has a stable relationship
Before she gets pregnant?)
Not that I think they SHOULDN'T check all that,
But I'm just saying. . .
It's frustrating -- one more
Punishment for not being able to have kids of my own. . . .

Fear -- Will I be a good mom?
Will they love Shane more than me?
(Probably -- most kids do . . .)
And how will I handle that?

Uncertainty -- How much TV should they watch?
How will we handle it when they don't like the food we fix?

Anticipation -- Finding it hard to wait to hear footsteps
On the Stairs

Wondering -- if you'll be typical siblings
And our home will soon
Be filled with sibling sounds
(And highly suspect you are and it will be)

Curious -- about what exposure you've had to holiday traditions
And if ours will seem very different to you
Or perhaps foolish
Or if you will embrace them
Heart and soul. . . .

Nervous -- Do you have a great foster family
That it will be hard to leave?
Will you be angry
Or grateful
Or ambiguous
For our taking you away?

Happy--That we'll soon a little family of our own
And be able to share with you our lives

Excited -- About decorating your rooms
And having you see them for the first time.
I hope, more than you know,
That it will say to you
How much we love you already

Ecstatic -- That we'll finally get to use our house
In the way we promised God we would.

So many questions ...more than there are words to voice them
So many emotions -- from one end of the spectrum to the other

So many hopes. . . so many hopes. . .